The First Herb Report

Hi there, friends of Herb. I'm Suze's friend Deb, and my family just went through this exact same ordeal with my father a year ago, almost to the day. One thing that we found to be extremely difficult, especially in the first few weeks as we were all getting used to the idea of our father's illness ourselves, was to return all the phone calls and emails that poured in as the news trickled out. My husband set up a blog for the dissemination and retrieval of information, and we--especially my mom--found this to be helpful. It allowed for a level of intimacy (the latest stats, feelings, etc.) with well-wishers, family and friends that we were incapable of having one-on-one. Just because. You understand, I'm sure.

Now, a few rules we found to be useful when a beloved family member has cancer:

1) Do not be offended if your phone calls go unreturned. The family knows you called, and they appreciate it, but it's painful to tell the story once, let alone 50 times, so just know they love you and appreciate your concern.

2) Offers of help are nice. Food is even better. (Meaning, lunches and/or dinners that show up, magically, on the doorstep without interaction with a human being other than the delivery guy.)

3) Try not to tell the family what you think they should do or which doctor is the best or which hospital or procedure will give Herb more time. These are extremely personal, private decisions we will all leave up to Herb.

4) Ina and the family will post here as often as the news warrants. If you are not immediate family, and you feel the need to post on this blog, send an email to me at dckogan@gmail.com, and I will discuss with Suze and/or Ina whether or not it's appropriate and then post it for you. I say this because you cannot believe the kinds of letters and misguided jokes people thought were appropriate when my dad was sick. As a general rule, funny is good, mean-funny is bad; 1-3 paragraphs are good, book-length tomes are bad; life-affirming is good, negative is bad. But you know this, I'm sure.

5) And now for the tried and true clichés: Use common sense, think positive thoughts, laughter is the best medicine. They don't become clichés for nothing, folks.

I now bow out and turn this operation over to the Yalof family. Herb, we're rooting for you!